It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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