How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
