also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
