Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
