none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
wanna go halves on a baby?
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
