stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Btw I puked in your glovebox
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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