I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
