I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
