I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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