my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
