we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
