i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
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I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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