I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Michael Bay diarrhea
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
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