There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
