It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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