You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
