hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
