I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
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Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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