I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
