Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
