Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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