I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
