I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
