Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
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