Michael Bay diarrhea
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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