OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Randomize
