If that was your dad, he is hot
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
