Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
