Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
