I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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