I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
