ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm passing your future prison.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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