i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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