Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
