college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
