Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the day after is always just damage control
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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