Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
