we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
