got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We were destined to go to rehab together
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
