moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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