ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
