oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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