Heybabeimwearingurpanties
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm bleeding and have questions
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
