I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
