my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
