He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
