ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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