She went from zero to smokin in five shots
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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