sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Let's get the cat blown out
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
