you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
