I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I am midnight drunk by noon
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I have feelings that need drinking.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Randomize
